There is no difference at all in either situation, a child is being sexually exploited by an adult. However, public perception of the situation with the boy being abused by a woman is anathema to most peoples’ perceptions of sexual abuse. "After all, he must have wanted it" is the most common dismissive response.

     Psychologist Mic Hunter finds the paradox disturbing "because" he says, "we are dealing with children who have no choice in the matter whatsoever".

     One of the most common problems alcoholic men and women have is sexual abuse they suffered as children. Yet men have real problems seeing sexual abuse by women as a problem and they aren’t alone. As a society we have cast the role of perpetrator as strictly a male role, although the evidence of a problem with women as perpetrators of sexual abuse is becoming more apparent.

     One of my friends told a story when we were about 10 about losing his virginity to his 16 year old cousin on a camping trip. "She climbed into my sleeping bag and I woke up with her all over me", he said. So I wondered; Was that true? Or just adolescent boasting? We’re still friends 30 years later so I was able to ask him about it again. Same story, except that now he could elaborate that: "She did pretty much the same thing to all the boys in the family". Now the father of two sons, I asked what would he feel if it happened to his own boys? "I don’t know what I’d do if I got my hands on her!" was his angry reply. My friends ambivalence isn’t unusual.

     On the one hand we can accept what happened to us personally, however sad, or bad, or unfair it was. Yet we’ll react negatively to the prospect of the same thing happening to someone we love.

     I was startled when I found myself walking through a bookstore and noticed the title "Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse" (Fawcett Columbine). Do I really want to go back to look at that again?

     I walked around the store awhile pondering the question before returning to buy the book. My initial reluctance to want to look at the issue is normal for a male victim of sexual abuse. Ninety percent of all victims feel they should be able to deal with the issue themselves. Not surprisingly, few come forward to face the problems until other issues bring it to the surface.

     According to Hunter: "I usually see clients who come to me because they’re having problems in their relationship." Finding they don’t have normal arousal reactions he says: "They have the view that the world is made up entirely of people who are victims or victimizers. They have a difficult time separating sex and abuse, tending to think of them as one and the same. They worry that they are being used by their spouse or sex partner. They may feel guilty or become anxious when they enjoy sex. As one client puts it: 'If I ask for sex and enjoy it I must be using my partner. Or, if my partner is enjoying it I am being used.' He had a problem seeing that sexual intercourse could be a mutually rewarding experience in which no one was being mistreated."

     It’s of particular concern for recovering male alcoholics because the natural response to painful feelings caused by sexual abuse is to turn to alcohol or drugs for comfort. Statistics quoted by Hunter indicate that as many as 60% of all male alcoholics have been sexually abused. "It shows up when someone is repeatedly relapsing" he says. "An alarm inside of me goes off that says there’s more here than they’re talking about".

     Why is there so much reluctance to speak about sexual abuse issues for men in recovery?  Most men don’t think that a woman being sexual towards them is a problem. The problem here is that the inappropriate attentions of a woman towards a young boy can be equally as devastating as male pattern sexual abuse.

     Issues like inappropriate sexual attention from a mother. Not just incestuous sex, but other habits like intrusions on a boy's boundaries when dressing or bathing. Or other habits like calling him "a queer" or otherwise questioning his sexuality can be devastating to a vulnerable adolescent.

The age when most sexual abuse happens is not adolescence as the following table illustrates:

     Again our misperceptions of male sexual abuse cloud the issue. Most people think of an abuser as being the man offering candy to a kid in a school yard or playground.  "Not true" says Hunter, and he offers the following table based on surveys of sexually abused men in treatment:

     A child is three times more likely to be molested by a recognized, trusted adult than by a stranger.

     As a society we have a reluctance to see women as perpetrators of sexual abuse and though it may be politically incorrect to focus on women in this role, that’s because of an ignorance of the facts. The need to address the problem is something Hunter explores at length. Inappropriate contact by females with boys is just as disturbing a problem as any other child abuse, yet under-reported and usually dismissed by the general public because of the natural bias towards boys as being incapable of being raped by a woman.

     Again "untrue" according to Hunter. "A boy confronted by a woman forcing herself upon him has little choice in how his body responds to her advances. He responds naturally, only to be confounded by confused feelings, guilt, and shame later on".

     Personally, this was the case in many incidents that I recall vividly. Unable to control my reactions to being confronted by sexual situations I felt like my body was betraying me. An adolescent or prepubescent boy is not in full control of his reactions when put in sexual situations. I remember one perpetrator looking at my erection in spite of my refusal to cooperate with him and saying: "What do you mean you don’t want to? Look at yourself !"

     The truth is that I was not reacting to the sexual stimulation, but to the adrenaline rush that intense fear caused in me! The disrespect he showed for me coupled with my own self-disrespect was devastating. Hindsight is always 20/20. It followed that I not only had a distrust of others but also a distrust of myself, because I was powerless in the situation. I might just as easily had an erection in excitement over a shopping trip, or a baseball game. That’s just part of being an adolescent boy!

     The justification of the perpetrator is: He wanted it, He was excited by it! The truth was I was so scared I was pumping on raw emotion, I had no control at all except to try not to get hurt! This man was much bigger than me and twice my age; He really could hurt me and I knew it!

     One man related the story of being confronted by his baby-sitter. "As soon as my mom left the house, she took me downstairs and told me to strip. And when I protested she threatened me by saying: 'Your mom told you to do what I say or else!' Talk about twisting the logic sideways on me!" In this case he was taught to "do as he was told" and did with the result that it took a half a lifetime of alcoholism and violence before he realized he’d been sexually abused.

     Hunter elaborates on the problem by saying: "Female offenders do not fit the "dirty old man offering candy to the little girl" stereotype that society has of offenders, and therefore they do not get identified. Twenty years ago many treatment professionals thought there were very few women alcoholics because females did not show up in court records for driving-while-intoxicated charges or in detox units. However it was later discovered that women who were stopped by police officers (who were usually male at that time) were not charged or put into detox but were taken home because it would have been 'unladylike and too embarrassing for her' to be taken to the police station. In addition, fewer women worked outside the home and therefore could drink "on the job"; they would not the be fired as they might have been if they had been employed outside the house. Once treatment professionals broadened their criteria for identifying what constituted chemical abuse, many more women were able to receive help. Similarly, as more men are speaking up about their childhood abuse, the criteria for identifying what constitutes sexual abuse will be changed. It will become clear that although the style of female offenders is different from that of male offenders, it is just as damaging, and it happens with much greater frequency than is currently believed."

     Society tends to view the sexual offenses of women as relatively insignificant compared with the offenses of adult male perpetrators. Granted, the numbers of offenses by men outpace those committed by women by a wide margin, but sadly, the effects of the abuse are the same. They destroy the fabric of a child's' faith and trust in the adults they depend on. It’s irrelevant whether the abuse is by a female or a male. It’s still an abuse which should not be tolerated or dismissed.

     The thought of an adult violating a child is repulsive to most of us, and therefore we think of child abusers as monsters, less than human. Yet our view of women as offenders is skewed by the very prejudice I outlined in the first example. A 23 year old woman having sex with a 12 year old boy is both illegal and immoral.

     The consequences of minimization of the problem only allow the abuse to continue unabated, and currently it accounts for 20% of the cases reported by men in recovery. Then again, as with all cases of sexual abuse you have to wonder: How many cases never get reported at all?

     Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter (Fawcett Columbine Paperback) 

     Psychologist and author Mic Hunter says the attitudes towards women who abuse young boys are changing, but slowly. A couple of highly publicized incidents like the Pam Smart case involving a teacher seducing her students into murdering her husband have brought the issue into the national spotlight. However most police and judges have an indifferent attitude towards women as abusers. "The first case we had brought to trial only happened because when I contacted the police I told them it involved a young girl with an older man". He says he only revealed the truth after the police had agreed that an offense had taken place. "Then I told them it was really a boy with an older woman and they agreed to follow through with the charges."

     On a local note: I wonder where a boy would go locally to get help in dealing with sexual abuse issues? In the early 70's in Toronto when it happened to me I had trouble finding anyone who'd take me seriously and ended up turning to the Gay community, because no one else dealt with male sexual abuse issues in a way that was sympathetic and understanding.

     In one recent situation I dealt with a boy of 16 who was conned into making a porn video when he was drunk and stoned. When I called the Windsor Police the detective I spoke to, was pretty much indifferent to it. I was told: "One day he'll look at it as something he did for sport".

     This was a blatant "kiddie porn" involving this boy and a couple of men. When I told the detective that part of it, his response was "Oh…"

     This kind of indifference sends a message to an abused boy that his problems are insignificant and only serves to reinforce the low self-esteem he already feels from having been sexually violated. I wonder now what would have happened if it had involved a girl?

MYTH: Children are most likely to be sexually assaulted by a stranger.
FACT: 75-95 percent of offenders are known and may be related to the child.

MYTH: Children lie or fantasize about sexual activities with adults.
FACT: In developmental terms, young children cannot make up explicit sexual information—they must be exposed to it; they speak from their own experiences. Sometimes a parent will try to get a child to report sexual abuse falsely. Primary indicators of such a report are the child's’ inability to describe explicitly the act, or a grossly inconsistent account.

MYTH: The sexual abuse of a child is an isolated, one-time incident.
FACT: Child sexual abuse is usually a situation that develops gradually over a period of time, and the sexual abuse occurs repeatedly.

MYTH: Nonviolent sexual behavior between a child and adult is not emotionally damaging to the child.
FACT: Although child sexual abuse may involve subtle rather than extreme force, nearly all victims will experience confusion, shame, guilt, anger, and a lowered sense of self-esteem, though them may reveal no obvious outward signs.

MYTH: Child molesters are all "dirty old men."
FACT: In a recent study of convicted child molesters, 80 percent were found to have committed their first offense before the age of 30.

MYTH: Children provoke sexual abuse by their seductive behavior.
FACT: Seductive behavior may be the result but is never the cause of sexual abuse. The responsibility lies with the adult offender.

MYTH: If children did not want it, they could say "stop."
FACT: Children generally do not question the behavior of adults. They are often coerced by bribes, threats, and use of authority.

MYTH: When a boy is sexually abused, the act is perpetrated by male homosexuals.
FACT: Most child sexual abuse is perpetrated by men who are heterosexual and do not find sex with other men at all attractive. Many child molesters abuse both boys and girls.

MYTH: When a boy and a woman have sex, it is the boys’ idea and he is not being abused.
FACT: Child abuse is an act of power by which an adult uses a child. Abuse is abuse; a woman abusing a male child is still a child abuser.

MYTH: Males who were sexually abused as boys all grow up to abuse children sexually.
FACT: Only a portion of abused boys goes on to abuse children.